*Self-reflection post alert.
How often do I take selfies early mornings at 7:30
AM? The answer is: NEVER.
But today I did. A miracle, I know!
Everyone who knows me knows that I'm always late.
Late to my classes. Late to work. Late to any social event I'm invited to. Late to seminars. Late to doctor appointments...I even once was late to an
appointment I MADE with the chairperson of Graduate studies at a prestigious
university. I mean do you know how valuable those people's minutes are right?! Needless to say, I was also late to my graduation ceremony at university.
(Indeed, I say this with shame and guilt).
Tardiness has been a weakness of mine ever since I
can remember.
In Syria, when me and my sister were in middle
school and we had to commute via. school bus which, regretfully, comes at a
certain time, I almost always missed it. Hoyoo (mother) wouldn’t allow my
sister to take the bus without me, because then I would have to walk on my own
to school, which wasn’t that far by the way, but nevertheless anything could happen. So
she suffered with me.
In University days, hoyoo used to stay awake in
the morning with a slipper in her hand, to make sure I leave home early-
sometimes too early. I used to get mad and ask her ‘ how come she didn't treat
my other siblings the same way’, and would respond: 'I know they are
responsible with their time.'
I, the one who suffers from the infamous
first-born syndrome, I, the first of her name to eight children, if I am not
responsible with time, how can THEY be? I wondered silently and continued
living with my other syndrome: tardiness.
When I was leaving to Somalia after finishing my
studies in the Philippines, despite my tardiness and despite failing a subject
that was scheduled at 7:30 AM (Seriously, who schedules classes that early
unless they want you to fail?) merely on the merits of lateness and
insufficient attendance, I bought a book about self-sabotage and that was my
actual first step.
In one chapter the author addresses the Psychology
of lateness and relates it to self-sabotage. She says “being late is your
unconscious (intuition) telling you that that you don’t actually want to be
there, or that it would be better for you not to be there—for instance, it
could be that a meeting (or even a job) is not the best use of your time, or
will inevitably work against your own best interests." Inspired by the
book and the persuading case studies the author presented; I took an oath and
told myself 'Never again.'
But, again and again, it happened...
And I continued to survive with my bad habit. If
you take a peek and read my journals (May this never happen!) you will see me
talking about this numerous times, reflecting on it, promising myself that
change was on the way. It bothered me yet it felt as if my hands were tight to
my back. Paralyzed.
In the morning, my sleep is the sweetest thing
ever. My priority and preeminence. You cannot convince me otherwise or remove
that hidden glue, no amount of warnings or nagging alarms can rescue me from
that state. I could murder for it. And so after I rise from bed, eventually, I
deal with the consequences accordingly.
That was my plan up to last week, and I guess I
exhausted and abused it..
So whats the life altering, gut wrenching incident
that happened on Tuesday, you may ask dear friends?
And here's what happened. While sneaking into my
job at around 8:55, when I was supposed to be there at 8:30 AM, the executive
director of the firm I work for saw me and threw the bomb at me. The most
embarrassing bomb ever!!! 
She exclaimed, "Are you just coming in??!”
Loudly. In front of MY COLLEAGUES. I felt as if a tornado hit my head, I felt
dizzy. I wished the floor could crack open and swallow me. I was so ashamed. I
mumbled and blubbered and gave a pity excuse about the bus. (It's always the
bus since middle school !.)
She responded sarcastically, "You must’ve
taken a later bus". I kept quiet, and sucked in all the shame in the
world.
It's important to note that my boss is an
assertive black lady who is very vocal. She gives it to you like it is. No
sugar coating or nonsense which I appreciate a lot in normal circumstances.
I vowed again, never again. NEVERRRRRR Asia!
Even if it meant me not going back to sleep after
Subah prayer which is a torture of course.
So since last week, I started waking up 4:30, 5 or
6:00 AM the latest. waking up that early is no joke for me, It took me to
gather all the strengths and mental power I had to detach myself from bed at
such hour. Constantly reminding myself of the humiliation I endured the other
day.
I created a daily schedule where I planned out the
days of August and promised myself a reward if I live up to it. I told my
sisters the story and asked them to wake me up aggressively if I don’t respond
to my alarm.
Now, at 5:30 AM I get ready, prepare my smoothie
and lunch, eat breakfast, and sometimes have time to watch TV! Then leave home,
walk to the LRT station and STILL reach work early. Can you believe that? once
I was the first one to get there. I felt so proud of myself. Now that's a
miracle! Isn't?
But you know what's the real miracle?
I felt so much better knowing I wasn't
compromising my work, not worrying about what my references would say when I
apply for new opportunities. Not having to panic because I am even later than
my usual ‘late’ and most importantly, taking the time to appreciate myself in
front of the mirror reminding myself of how great I am; those moments are very
rare and precious when you're always rushing. Just so you'd know.
I discovered the treasure punctual people had been
hiding. Shout out to you xaasid people!
So here I am seven days clean from tardiness, taking
a selfie with the sun, a smile on my face and time in my hands to spare before
7:30 AM!
