Who's to blame seriously?!

When you allowed all that 'shit' to go down. When you accepted his disgusting, irrational behavior. When you let his fears become your own. When you prioritized his 'happiness' over yours. When he dragged you through the mud and into 'petty' fights. When you ran around the city like a lost moron, not knowing which direction to run or who to turn to. When you cried yourself to sleep every night. 

When you lost hope in yourself 'because why would you tolerate such behavior.' When he told you, 'you're damaged goods', and your first reaction was to 'assure' him that you 'weren't.' When you were on edge all the time, and you couldn't figure out why.

When he criticised you time after time, and you met his words with 'silence.' When he held you 'in check' and undermined your intelligence in every way possible. When he 'searched' for your history and kept 'his' a secret. When he 'overstepped' your boundaries until you surrendered to his illegal invasion. 

When he 'demanded' you to step-up your game otherwise to 'get lost.' When he said, you should 'tone it down' because you 'argue' too much. When he wasn't pleased with your 'over-involvement' in your community. When he said 'if you want to be my wife, then you should listen up.' When he would never 'discuss' any real matters with you because, in his head, he would dictate all-matters, eventually, and reaching any sort of understanding wasn't of any interest to him. 

When he would 'block' all communications with you because he's 'punishing' you, and that was the result of you 'misbehaving.' When you thought that any
man-ANY MAN, would treat you better than him..yet continued in that cycle. When you questioned your sanity million times, yet one 'positive word' from him was enough to re-program you. When you avowed million times to move on and never look back, and yet you were back like a junkie, thirsty for more.

That's when you know; you are the one to blame. 

That's when you know you're not taking any responsibility for yourself. That's when you should give up any hope of changing the world in any shape or form since you cant change yourself. That's when you know you can't be in charge of 'raising' another human being, a 'child'' and being responsible for his/her wellbeing. Because if you can't make yourself, YOURSELF happy. Then trust me, you cant give it to someone else. Because as they say, you can't give what you don't have'.

Blaming others at some point has an expiry date. Then you're left with your free will and willingness to take responsibility for who you are at your core.

Yes, you did fall for him once. Yes, you came to know you were in a fucking toxic relationship. Maybe, you weren't aware at the beginning, but now you see him for the narcissistic psychopath manipulative, immature, weak ego'ed person he is. Yes, it was addictive because of his amazing 'hoovering' skills. Yes, you were taken advantage of, maybe?. Yes, you have indulged in self-loathing periods where you couldn't even stare at yourself in the mirror. Yes, you were in a deep denial and had indulged in self-deception and denial thinking that he'd change, that you CAN change him, that he'd be willing to change for you.

Pure illusion. Pure delusion. Complete waste of energy and time.

But now what? You may ask, my friend. 

Blame yourself. Yes, Only yourself. Not your circumstances. Not your parents. Not your siblings. Not your lack of knowledge (even though that could be a good reason) but only you. And only you, darling.

Blame yourself. And I don't mean in a 'mean' or 'condescending' way. Nope. What I mean is you need a serious pause. To recuperate. For you to take 'charge' of your life and get back into the driving seat and be 'in charge' of your happiness. You need to accept that that 'terrible' person now is history and that the world is your playground and that there're great people out there who deserve you. 

You allowed all that shit to go down and now it's your responsibility to clean it up. You gave them 'permission' to mess with your head, emotions, and sanity. You gave them 'unlimited' access to you. And that's where you went wrong. Very wrong. 

Now, that you 'know' and 'see' what was there all along. Now that you ran out of 'excuses' to forgive them. Now that you know you've hit rock bottom and you cant descend further. Forgive yourself..and remember that what doesn't kill you make you stronger. 

But first, you need to CLEAN the mess UP. CLEAN-IT-UPPPPP.

Leave that unworthy person.
Pray
Seek mental help
Go back to your ordinary self.
Pray.
Rediscover your hobby.
Pray.
Reconnect with your loved ones that you neglected in pursue of your fake happiness
Pray.
Apologize for those you wronged trying to appease him
Pray.
Work on re-building your boundaries and protect them
Pray
Work on yourself every day
Pray
Don't ever EVER let anyone else devalue you or underestimate you.
Pray.
Unleash your lioness
Pray. 

💕💕 Thank you!

Words..

'Some wounds stay with you.
They never go away or heal

They stick around, lurk around, get deeper as time passes..

They define you. Refine you.

Transform you..
Turn you into a different being..

They say time heals all pain,
I say, time supresses pain
Time allows pain to go cooler..
go 'numb'

Nevertheless, still there..

Waiting for a Trigger..

Just locked somewhere
In the dungeon of your heart..
Or your 'unconsciousness'. .

Maybe what heals is the surface..
Maybe its the face that learns how to hide the pain
Maybe we learn how to get grip of our tounges ...
How to 'breathe' before we spit words..

Words, that can hurt others
Words, that echoes into someone's world

Do we even realize the power of words ? 

How words change history
Make history
End a life..
Bond two lives
Create a new life..

How words form promises

How promises bond people
How people create a life

How words are sacred..

How words turned 'Iblis' into a 'Shaytaan'.
How broken promises made 'Adam' and 'Hawa' decend from heaven.

How words are capable of breaking a human's soul..

And never be taken back..

Some words just never go away ..
They just get locked away

Time never heals pain,
Time supresses pain
Till words are tame..
till words fade away 

And pain is crushed..

Because, 'words' are as powerful as its 'source'. 

By: Asia Aboosy 

#Wounds #Healing #Memories #Words #BrokenPromises 

About Abusive Relationships..

When you’re in an abusive relationship — rather, when you are me in an abusive relationship — specialness is a prerequisite. I was fortunate enough to not take violence as a given in my life; my father spanked me one time when I was 5 and my mother made him take parenting classes. Abuse was never my default. The route for abuse to take hold in my brain had to be different, then — an exception."My unwavering belief in that was what kept our relationship alive far past its natural breaking point. Far past the first time he threatened to come over to my apartment with a baseball bat, far past the first time he threw our Valentine’s Day cake in my face, far past the first time he threw me to the ground, and far, far past the first time someone asked me if he’d ever hit me and the first thought I had was not yet."

"It was a shame, he reported, that “some guys” — he never specified who — would pass up a woman who looked like me in favor of someone thinner, or clearer-skinned, or with fewer split ends. I was just as pretty as the girls those “some guys” would chase, he assured me, but because of the things that kept me from being conventionally beautiful, “some guys” would never know that. He spoke of me as though I were a bargain-basement find, one that only he was persistent enough, patient enough, special enough to spot for the bargain it was."

"......he never said anything negative about my body. Not once.
He considered it and decided not to. I know this because on one of Those Nights — those post-midnight battles, dreaded but at least pulsing enough with life to be in clear focus, which is more than I can say for the rest of my world at that time — he started a new tirade that began with: “And your body—” But then he abruptly stopped, and never picked it up again. Then, his refusal to cross that line looked to me like love. Today, I see it as calculation. He knew what his trump card was.

"My ex relied on our shared knowledge — that bodies like mine weren’t considered ideal — to remind me that I was lucky to have him. It would have been easier, lazier, to criticize my body directly, but he knew the risk of backfiring was too large; he was skilled in calibrating the precise push-pull rhythm that ensured I wouldn’t leave. Instead, he used the cultural power of women’s bodies against me. He never had to say an unkind word about my body in order to wield it as a tool against me. We, as a society, had done that particular work for him."

"It has been nearly 10 years since we’ve talked, and I don’t spend much time envisioning what it would be like to see my ex again. But when I do, our imaginary meeting goes something like this: I am walking down the street, and he sees me, and says my name. I am surprised but gracious, taking the high road, asking and answering the what-are-you-up-tos with genteel dignity.

In the Hollywood version of this scene, he would see that I am thinner, ergo prettier, ergo better, and as I walk away he would understand what he has lost due to the error of his ways. That is not my revenge fantasy, though. After all, neither of us ever believed that thinness actually makes a woman more valuable. Rather, he invoked other people’s beliefs about my body to fabricate the specialness that bonded me to him. And so my fantasy is not Hollywood-petty but merciless: As he watches me walk away, slimmer than I used to be, he thinks, I am no longer special.

In truth, I still don't know if he ever was."

By: Autumn Whitefield-Madrano
'How My Boyfriend Used My Weight To Keep Me With Him: An abusive ex convinced me he was special because he celebrated my not-thin body. When I lost weight, he lost his leverage over me.

When I was a Slave-Part 1

Salam friends 😍 

So I started reading this book called 'When I was a Slave' tonight. Luckily, I found it at the Uni book store while I was searching for a totally different book. I KNOW, the coincidence! !! 

I will be sharing the highlights, or at least what I see as 'important'- of one slave's life as mentioned in this memoir.

1-Mary Anderson-Age:86 

"My name is Mary Anderson. I was born on a plantation near Franklinton, Wake County, North Carolina, May 10, 1851. I was a slave belonging to Sam Brodie, who iwned the plantation at this place."

"...There were about one hundred and sixty-two slaves on the plantation. Every Sunday morning all the children had to be bathed, dressed, and their combed, and carried down to Master's for breakfast.
It was a rule that all the little colored children eat at the Great House every Sunday morning in order that Master and Missus could watch them eat so they could know which ones were sickly and have them doctored."

"....He had four white overseers, but they were not allowed to whip a slave. if there was any whipping to be done he always said he would do it. He didn't believe in whipping, so when a slave got so bad he couldn't manage him, he sold him. .....they were unruly ones. Sometimes he would bring back slaves; once he brought back two boys and three girls from the slave market."

"..Master's children and the slave children played together. I went around with the baby girl Carrie to other plantations visiting. She taught mr how to talk low and hot to act in company. My association with white folks and my training while I was slave is why I talk like white folks." 

"...In a day or two everybody on the plantation seemed to be disturbed and Master and Missus were crying. Master ordered all the slaves to come to the Great House at nice o'clock..... Master and Missus came out on the porch and stood side by side. You could hear a pin drop everything was so quite. Then master said, "Good morning,"....they were both crying then Master said"Men, women, and children, you are free. You are no longer my slaves. The Yankees will soon be here." 

"..The slaves were awfully excited. The Yankees stayed there, cooked, ate, drank, and played music until about night........
When they left the county, lot of the slaves went with them and soon there were none of the Masrter's slaves left. They wandered around for a year from place to place, fed and working most of the time at some other slave owner's plantation and getting more homesick every day. ..."

"..When they got back Marster would say, "well, you have come back, have you? " and the Negros would say, "Yes, Marster".

Most all spoke of them as "Missus' and "Marster" as they did before the surrender, and getting back home was the greatest pleasure of all. 

Excerpts from "When I Was a Slave"

💗

#WhenIWasaSlave
#BlackHistory #HistoryMatters 

#BlackVoices #Memoir #BlackSlaves 

Average is the New Basic..

Don't be an average! It's not a dream or a goal. Always aspire to reach your goals and remember your purpose. 

😉

If you really, REALLY, want to achieve your goals, to become that business man/woman you always dreamt of becoming, or the nurse you envisioned yourself to be, then ask yourself 'What am I doing about it ?." " What am I doing on daily basis that's making me that much closer to my dream? Even if it's one-centimeter closer? "

Dreams on the shelf are just that; dreams on the shelf. They don't magically transform themselves into reality.

Nope, they don't. 

You, however, with hard work, persistence, and prayer can transform them into a living reality. Nothing is impossible, friends. By the will of Allah you, all, will reach your goals but remember the following: 

-Never be a hater; don't hate on others who are hustling. Do it yourself instead of investing all that energy on hate and jealousy. Not worth it. Don't be the bitter one.

-Be extremely selfish with your time and energy; don't waste them on toxic people, naysayers, or hypocrites. Be stingy with those people. They don't deserve them or any tiny little space in your mind.

-Invest in yourself and always be aware of your actions and reactions. Try to notice how you feel about things, dont dismiss your gut feeling when it tells you 'something is wrong', indeed, 'something is wrong.' Listen, don't dismiss it. Many of us who have boundary issues were taught or 'conditioned' to dismiss it; re-learn to connect with your 'sixth' sense. 

-Never 'be/act' someone else; remian true and authentic to who you're. Successful people are always unique and fabulous.They're also the 'trend setters'. Be the 'trend setter' yourself. Not the follower.😅

-Pray. Pray. And pray about EVERYTHING. Allah SWT is always there for you. Don't forget that. 💖

- Be true to your Deen and values, they're your core. Your assessment tool. Your safety net. And remember nothing in this 'Dunya' is worth it if you sacrifice your 'Akhirah' hereafter.

-Be grateful for Allah's many nia'am and blessings, the countable and uncountable. Don't ever forget that Allah Subhanhu wa ta'ala 'chose' you to be a Muslim/Muslimah. It wasn't by a random selection that you were born into a Muslim family or that you reverted to islam, alhumdulilah. It wasn't your choice either. Rather, Allah's. And by Allah, it's his greatest blessing that he bestowed upon you. Please say Alhumdulilah. 

" هو اجتباكم وما جعل عليكم في الدين من حرج.."

'He has chosen you, and has imposed no difficulties on you in religion' Qur'an.

Good night 💜💜

#Transformation #ReachingGoals

#Motivation #Pray #HustleHard #Persistence #BeingYourself 

#Muslimah #Muslims #BelieveinYourself 

It's Almost Winter..

It’s ‘almost’ winter again, and I’m anxious.

I am so f**king anxious.
Like, ‘I cant breathe anxious.’
Like ‘almost cryin anxious’. 

It's like there’s a knot twisting inside my stomach,
and I can't stop it from turning and twitching.
Convulse, sharp spasms I feel at my core
And I cant focus..on anything
I cant ‘turn it off.’

Last ‘summer'...
I thought I ‘found’ it.
I thought I ‘figured things out.’
Thought I got ‘rid’ of it.
That, I made my peace with it.

But now,

I’m reminded of terrible memories.
And a terrible person
And the terrible person ‘I was’.

This season is the season that held me back and tried to break my soul.
This season attempted to crash me and change me
To change my features until I was ‘unrecognizable,' ‘uncontrolable.’
This season is now a period I no longer look forward to..and , frankly, despise. 

The gloomy, foggy weather.
The sight and sound of rain on the streets
The sight of ‘footsteps’ on the snow.
The shadows lurking behind the masked weather.

I hate you ‘winter.' My heart still shivers because of you.

Once upon a time, I didn’t mind you, or your existence.
And now
Now, you make me feel anxious and scared
Terrified to look back, fall back, and ‘regress.’

When I know, I ‘progressed’
When I know, I am no longer ‘Addicted or ‘Nostalgic.’ 

But I do admit this. Because you know, that 'cowardice' was never my trade 

I do 'sometimes' miss you.
Like you were someone else’s past
Like you were someone else’s 'season'

I am no longer ‘attached.’

By: Asia Aboosy 

#Poem 
#Seasons 
#WritingMode 
#ProcastinatingWoirk