Who's to blame seriously?!

When you allowed all that 'shit' to go down. When you accepted his disgusting, irrational behavior. When you let his fears become your own. When you prioritized his 'happiness' over yours. When he dragged you through the mud and into 'petty' fights. When you ran around the city like a lost moron, not knowing which direction to run or who to turn to. When you cried yourself to sleep every night. 

When you lost hope in yourself 'because why would you tolerate such behavior.' When he told you, 'you're damaged goods', and your first reaction was to 'assure' him that you 'weren't.' When you were on edge all the time, and you couldn't figure out why.

When he criticised you time after time, and you met his words with 'silence.' When he held you 'in check' and undermined your intelligence in every way possible. When he 'searched' for your history and kept 'his' a secret. When he 'overstepped' your boundaries until you surrendered to his illegal invasion. 

When he 'demanded' you to step-up your game otherwise to 'get lost.' When he said, you should 'tone it down' because you 'argue' too much. When he wasn't pleased with your 'over-involvement' in your community. When he said 'if you want to be my wife, then you should listen up.' When he would never 'discuss' any real matters with you because, in his head, he would dictate all-matters, eventually, and reaching any sort of understanding wasn't of any interest to him. 

When he would 'block' all communications with you because he's 'punishing' you, and that was the result of you 'misbehaving.' When you thought that any
man-ANY MAN, would treat you better than him..yet continued in that cycle. When you questioned your sanity million times, yet one 'positive word' from him was enough to re-program you. When you avowed million times to move on and never look back, and yet you were back like a junkie, thirsty for more.

That's when you know; you are the one to blame. 

That's when you know you're not taking any responsibility for yourself. That's when you should give up any hope of changing the world in any shape or form since you cant change yourself. That's when you know you can't be in charge of 'raising' another human being, a 'child'' and being responsible for his/her wellbeing. Because if you can't make yourself, YOURSELF happy. Then trust me, you cant give it to someone else. Because as they say, you can't give what you don't have'.

Blaming others at some point has an expiry date. Then you're left with your free will and willingness to take responsibility for who you are at your core.

Yes, you did fall for him once. Yes, you came to know you were in a fucking toxic relationship. Maybe, you weren't aware at the beginning, but now you see him for the narcissistic psychopath manipulative, immature, weak ego'ed person he is. Yes, it was addictive because of his amazing 'hoovering' skills. Yes, you were taken advantage of, maybe?. Yes, you have indulged in self-loathing periods where you couldn't even stare at yourself in the mirror. Yes, you were in a deep denial and had indulged in self-deception and denial thinking that he'd change, that you CAN change him, that he'd be willing to change for you.

Pure illusion. Pure delusion. Complete waste of energy and time.

But now what? You may ask, my friend. 

Blame yourself. Yes, Only yourself. Not your circumstances. Not your parents. Not your siblings. Not your lack of knowledge (even though that could be a good reason) but only you. And only you, darling.

Blame yourself. And I don't mean in a 'mean' or 'condescending' way. Nope. What I mean is you need a serious pause. To recuperate. For you to take 'charge' of your life and get back into the driving seat and be 'in charge' of your happiness. You need to accept that that 'terrible' person now is history and that the world is your playground and that there're great people out there who deserve you. 

You allowed all that shit to go down and now it's your responsibility to clean it up. You gave them 'permission' to mess with your head, emotions, and sanity. You gave them 'unlimited' access to you. And that's where you went wrong. Very wrong. 

Now, that you 'know' and 'see' what was there all along. Now that you ran out of 'excuses' to forgive them. Now that you know you've hit rock bottom and you cant descend further. Forgive yourself..and remember that what doesn't kill you make you stronger. 

But first, you need to CLEAN the mess UP. CLEAN-IT-UPPPPP.

Leave that unworthy person.
Pray
Seek mental help
Go back to your ordinary self.
Pray.
Rediscover your hobby.
Pray.
Reconnect with your loved ones that you neglected in pursue of your fake happiness
Pray.
Apologize for those you wronged trying to appease him
Pray.
Work on re-building your boundaries and protect them
Pray
Work on yourself every day
Pray
Don't ever EVER let anyone else devalue you or underestimate you.
Pray.
Unleash your lioness
Pray. 

💕💕 Thank you!