A glance into myself, and others.. 

I struggle. I am struggling with my deen, with my life choices, with my goals, with my pleasing personality that strives to make others happy as if I’m responsible for everyone’s misery, world wars, famine, inequality, racism, and all the innocent children who were robbed from their innocence. I struggle with me being first born “my curadnimo” all that this role entails, all that burden and setting example for your siblings kinda thing. How many times did I hear “Ratiga dambe ratiga hore bu racaa” Although this role entitles me to many privileges like being the minster of advisory and the private consultant of  my parents.

I won’t lie sometimes I wish I can liberate myself from all of that, to be just like those who rebelled who broke all the constrains attached to them by their parents or society even for just a day, to have a clear free conscious that wont bash me down till I’m exhausted. I dream of a day I can make a decision without worrying about what my parents or my siblings would say, just to weight my personal account on that decision. Why is it so hard for me to do that though? (the Shaytan in me wonders)

It annoys me, that I can’t say NO when I mean to say NO, why is it hard? Why do I feel guilty for all the problems in the world, why do I need to be a fixer/rescuer? (am a social worker!) I envy those who just worry about themselves (Cadaanka camal). But I sometimes worry though, am I directing my energy outwards because I’m too scared to look inwards? Am I distracting myself from myself? Why do I always give people the benefit of the doubt when all the screaming signs are there? Why am I so generous with second chances? Why am I too forgiving?

Why do I have the need to make everyone happy even when my decision is 100% halal, right and in accordance with our deen. Wait did I just say, is it really a NEED?

I think it grew up to be a need, the seed of pleasing our parents and consulting with them in every matter even in our simplest choices was implanted inside us through all those years of Cashars and strict upbringing, we were reminded and scolded everyday to not be friends with this girl/Boy or that without any proper explanation, We were scold, (hit occasionally lol) because of a stupid thing because it was ”inappropriate!” without a sufficient substantiating, and you’re expected to understand just like that.  Somali parenting style camal.

I can’t pinpoint where my passivity in deciding for myself started because as far as I can remember I was all about being the perfect “Curaad” thriving to please my parents to the maximum, not Allah!, in every way possible! (I'm ashamed to say that) To live up to the expectations of my family is not the ultimate goal in life but rather to please Allah and grow as a person. Inshallah.

This world had turned into a hard on its own, and I think it’s really important to look inward and learn about ourselves instead of judging others when we don’t really know what’s going inside us, when we’re really blinded to what they went or going through, when we’re not even aware of our demons how can we see the ugliness in others?

 I am struggling to understand myself and others, aren’t we all?  in fact life is a struggle between right and wrong, between right and left, between sadness and madness, between the past and future, between passivity and taking control and our choices

are the only machinery that can determine the trajectory of our lives. Yes choices are shaped by many factors ie: your past experiences, but remember that knowledge is power, the more we learn about our deen , our backgrounds, our selves the better decisions that more grounded we are and the healthier decision we can make. Inshallah.

Allah (SWT) said in the holy Qura’an:

   

      "وقل ربي زدني علما"
Say, lord increase my knolwedge

*The holy Qura'an  

Allah’s Messenger (Blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said “seeking knowledge is a duty for each and every Muslim” Ibnu-Majah

So look within yourself, glance at it , learn about yourselve and only there will we find our faith, our answers, and our prayers.

 What we see in this sad world  we see is just a physical manfiestation of our inside ugliness.

Our inside is naturally beautiful and yes we will struggle to find our innate self again, to let our inner brauty prevail and blosom like a dead tree breathing spring sun and transforimg into something stunning

"......مَا مِنْ مَوْلُودٍ إِلاَّ يُولَدُ عَلَى الْفِطْرة "

“No child is born except on the Fitrah..."

*Hadith sahih.

فِطْرَ‌تَ اللَّـهِ الَّتِي فَطَرَ‌ النَّاسَ عَلَيْهَا ۚ لَا تَبْدِيلَ لِخَلْقِ اللَّـهِ

“The fitrah of Allah upon which He has created [all] people. No change should there be in the creation of Allah.” [30:30]

* The holy Qura'an. 

May Allah guide us to his path. Ameen.