I will bring a Farax to my Aabo

After I hit 18, my dad started telling this to me "Aabo ciida rabtiid gurso lakin make sure inu Somali ahaado,  balwadna wa inu laheyn' translation: Bring me a Somali man with no drug addictions when you want to marry. 

I never argued with Aabo (dad) but I always wondered and thought to myself 'why?' 'why did aabo constrain me into our Somali ethnicity? to Somali men only? ' Yes I was a Somali, I still am. And will always be. But my dad started giving me those talks even before I went to Somalia. Even before my Somali identity matured.

As a girl who was born in Canada, lived her whole life in the diaspora, I  never fully understood why. I felt it was fairly normal to marry from any race long as that person was Muslim and feared Allah. I didn't get it. Growing up, I thought I had the right to marry whomever despite their race and culture.

Ever since I was a child I was raised by the Islamic teachings and prophetic examples. I lived in a family that upheld Islamic morals and my parents taught me the difference between HALAL and HARAM at an early age. Alhamdulilah.  So I always knew which lines to not cross, which rules to be followed, what roads should be avoided, and what pools to not swim in. In short, I knew what was permissible.

There is a common notion going around though. Rumours has it that many Somali diaspora girls think that they are better than their Farax counterparts. I, too, was infected by that bug.

I used to always think I will never get a decent Somali brother, who treated me well. A guy who didn't treat me like a second-class person just because I wasn't a man. I was always on the defence; on the lookout for myself and my Somali sisters. Interpreting every single word a Farax spits to fit my own misconceptions. My own fallacies. As if Farax is my enemy. As if Farax wouldn't be happy if I succeeded. As if ALL Faraxs were inherently bad. and more importantly, as if all Faraxs were THE SAME!. As if OTHER men were free from this patriarchy, or this egocentrism, which is only more overt, or apparent, with our brothers because of PROXIMITY.

We hear horror stories about Faraxs because of A)proximity: we live in our own communities and so we hear more stories about our own. We know more about their shortcomings and their failures. We are more aware because we grew up with them. And more importantly, B) Somali people have this tendency to focus on the negative rather than focusing on the positive. It's sooo ingrained in us we do not even know when we are doing it. It's the same culture that perpetuates shame. We dismiss the good quality of the person and just keep ranting about their shortcomings and GENERALIZE it. Like get over it. 

I hate fake feminism. That's what many Somali women are guilty of. Warriors of the internet and Twitter who only excel in degrading Somali men and exposing their flaws. 

 Even though I don't care about being politically correct all the time. It's good to admit that it's not black and white especially with those issues. In fact, there are many factors that contribute to the ever widening-gap between Somali men and women, to the mistrust and cynicism that is so ingrained now with every Somali sister I know. especially in the diasporas. And there are reasons for it. but this post is for those who like to generalize and hate on Somali men. 

Don't get me wrong though! I am not defending the wrong practices of Faraxs. I am not submitting those bad ideologies or habits. I am not defending irresponsible Qaat chewing Faraxs who neglected themselves before their families. I am not defending Faraxs who think they know better  JUST because of their birth lottery.

All am saying is ENOUGH. Enough with the hasty generalizing and verbal attacks that lead to dead ends. Enough, with the self-fulfilling prophecy that many of us are guilty of. Enough, with the SELF-HATE. Yes, I said it. I am calling it what it is. To hate Faraxs is to self-hate. (if you can come up with another name please let me know!).

Of course, our families know better, our Aabos know better. Our Hoyoos 'mothers' know better. There is an undeniable wisdom that breeds with age and experience.  Even if we don't realize it at the time.

Statistics tell us that interracial marriages are doomed to fail. More so than marriages within one's own ethnicity. (and I didn't say they never succeed).

Because marriage is a hectic business on its own, without it facing additional hardships that unveil and challenges your sanity as soon as the honeymoon is over. Don't believe the hype on Instagram. JUST DO'NT.

How many Somali girls do you know that married an Ajnabi and are divorced now? On the other hand, how many other divorcees from Faraxs do you know? OF COURSE, the answer is many. (refer to A & B lol) But guess what, we can work on those issues and the challenges can hopefully be resolved. I can't say the same thing about the inter-racial ones! 

So let's not run from our issues and meet them on Twitter. let's not pretend that all fault is on Faraxs. That all Xalimos are perfect.

We can find a good romance in our community. It is possible. I tell you.

Yes, Faraxs who are romantic and emotionally available exist (for those of you who doubt). Faraxs that defy all odds. Faraxs that are like no other with their Aklaaq 'character' and good dabaceed. Faraxs that treat you right according to the prophetic teachings. Faraxs who will make you happy with his HALAL pocket that runs deep (even though you shouldn't be relying on anyone when it comes to your happiness). However, there's a strong correlation between one's relationship status and their level of happiness. Your romantic relationship, good or bad, will definitely affect your mental health. 

I now follow my Aabo's advice to the heart. I know my aabo has my best interest in mind. So, I will bring him a Farax with good Akhlaq and no Qaat issues. A farax that is addicted to Canjeero and Shaah. One that wears macaawis and is comfortable with dacas. lol. Inshallah!

I no longer think ALL faraxs are bad or misogynistic, and for the ones who think so, I think you should reevaluate.

In Fact, I am passing this advice to my future children Inshallah. Jazakallhu Kheyran Aabo!

Salaam!

#Faraxs #SomaliMarraige #Interracialmarriages #Parentsadvice #Somalinimo #Somaliculture #Positivethinking #Selflove