As women, it’s hard for us to disconnect ourselves from our feelings, from our failures, from feelings of hurt and guilt and eventually feeling down. Is it because we are structurally more emotional than men? Is it because we take things more personal? Or is it because we are more sensitive to our environment than men? I don’t know.

But in any case, it’s so easy for us to dwell in self-blame for all the wrong reasons in the world, we are just so good at it, we take on so much burden that we're not supposed to carry, especially in relationships. When things fall apart, when collateral damage is already an enough burden for us, we add to that the self-blame that bend us down to our knees and easily breaks us down into a woman we barely recognize.  

Self blame is hard, when we blame ourselves we beat ourselves down, and question our abilities, Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too smart for him so I bummed him out (in case of dating)??Am I too competitive, Or maybe I’m opinionated and they got annoyed by it..why do we personalize our problems too much?, why don’t we look at them from a contextual perspective, that maybe it was just the circumstances that surrounded us to be blamed, not ourselves, maybe we were at different stages of our lives, in case of relationships... but it’s hard to be or act apathetic..It’s just so hard..we cant detach ourselves, now can we? 

Self-blame effects our self-esteem, because it questions the core of our abilities to do things right, our attitudes towards things and people, our physical appearance and attractiveness and since self-esteem reflects a person’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of his/her own worth, self-blame decreases our self-esteem because it belittles our accomplishments and exaggerates and magnifies on our mistakes which leads us into negatively evaluating ourselves.

We know that self blame leads to low self-esteem, which leads to less happiness and more depression in most cases, but yet we engage in it, because we can’t help it, maybe its encrypted in our genes of femaleness! ,  it’s not like we made a conscious decision to beat ourselves down, to question where we went wrong all the damn time, to tell ourselves,” maybe I am too talkative and bossy, and that’s where things went wrong”

So it's happening every time, it’s happening to me and i'm left with all these negative destructive feelings. So I go to my room, look myself in the mirror and do some self-directing I need to boost my self confidence again.

I tell myself I am smart, I am attractive, I am beautiful, I am ambitious, I am confident, I am educated, and I am good and no man’s view on me should matter or change my opinion about myself

.

I shouldn’t regret being smart because some low life man feels threatened by it, I shouldn’t feel bad about my leadership skills because someone thought am too bossy. I shouldn’t be cautious about my strong attitude just because women are traditionally seen as vulnerable and submissive.

I am a strong lady and I take pride in that, I take pride in standing for myself and for all my fellow women in the world, I take pride in defending what I believe in , I take pride in being an activist and a self-proclaimed writer. I take pride in my journey and the person I have become over the past four years, I take pride in my confidence, I take pride in my accomplishments and my failures equally, because my short comings were part of my learning experience, without all those bumps along the road, I doubt I would have become this strong lady I take pride in today.

So self-blame, is inevitable for us women, No matter how many times we push it off the cliff, it keeps on crawling back and fighting its way through our souls. Am I hard on myself? YES, is that natural , Yes, I believe, and that's exactly why we give self-blame more grounds to breed on.

But the best way to stay happy and content with who we are, is to resist it, to fight it back and never give up, this emotion is persistent, it keeps on coming back especially when you’re a female and perfectionist.!! well, that's double burden my friend. May God help us lady, can I get an Ameen?.!

So, the next time, when self-blame gets the best of you, and me, and you feel down and you’re at the edge of being depressed, go to the nearest private wash room look yourself into the mirror and tell yourself, baby talk yourself  if you need to “you is smart, you is beautiful, you is confident , it’s not your fault, it’s just the circumstances,  you rock, stay happy”. That will definitely help!

Because, staying happy is a decision we make everyday!! 

Yours Asia Aboosy